Also, we live in the modern world. You can too order fish if you live away from the coast. For one thing, very few restaurants are buying their fish off of local boats anyway (I mean, really?) and for another, freezing and flying really does work. Would you turn down sashimi at Nobu in Aspen? (No. You wouldn't.)

23) Do not go out to eat with this guy unless you have no sense of shame.

Well except for this dude, who has apparently worked in restaurants for years yet still thinks it's acceptable to bring your own tea bag, make outrageous off menu requests, and sneak in alcohol in a flask. I am pretty sure the latter is actually illegal (liability reasons) and will most certainly get you kicked out.…

my memaw does that when we go to red lobster (her favorite fancy restaurant). she orders water with extra lemon and then mixes in a splenda packet. MEMAW.

Right? Some of these things make sense (ie. drink water at restaurants for health reasons and because beverages are over-priced) but some of this is just crazy (if you can't stand water, pony up for a goddamn drink then, DO NOT make lemonade at the table).

And be totally paranoid and don't enjoy a moment of it!

Oh my God, you sound like ten of my most annoying customers ever, all rolled into one.

I will never stop finding it weird that you guys call it "Maccas."

I don't really feel any sense of outrage when it comes to alcohol markups. Yes, the physical product is heavily marked up. But the restaurant also has to pay for initial an ongoing training for wine/cocktail programs and pay to absorb liability costs. Plus, you know, all of the other costs associated with running a…

Fun fact, your body naturally produces formaldehyde and so there's already about 16 mg of formaldehyde in your blood.

Isn't that the point of a Long Island? Maximum booze for as cheap as possible while having it not taste like alcohol at all? Clearly, they don't know what they're doing....

I'm highlighting this because I'd really love people to see what it's like when someone just straight-up ignores the most relevant aspect of the situation: that your intent is entirely irrelevant. It does not matter what you were trying to do. It does not matter that you didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. Your…

...he save bread...?

Oh, wow! That was not kind of him to pick his mom over you and to ignore your birthday. It also kind of sounds like being a mom is a bit overwhelming for you right now. (I have been there!) A lot of men don't understand how draining, both emotionally and physically, motherhood and running a house can be. Add a job to…

Yeah, you can buy a mansion in Akron for the price that someone living by the coasts pays for a one bedroom condo.

Oh for fuck's sake, Mormons.

Utah funeral potatoes: potatoes au gratin topped with cornflakes.

Oooooo, so THAT's why people die so much earlier now than they did in the 1600's.