This is not nearly as fun.

Afterwards [s]he’ll be lucky if he has any bones left.

Three Weeks Later: Jezebel is sorry to announce that Jia has died due to shitting her entire digestive system out of her body.

But if I don’t take the lump sum I cant do stupid things with the money.

It perplexes me that not many people at all who win decide to go with the annuity payments. Even if you blew through your money in the first year you still have somewhere between 28-29 payments left that would be on the way to you... this way you can get a better idea on what to do with the money and your guaranteed a…

It’s sad that it’s easier to say, “Can’t have kids,” since the hysterectomy than have to explain (AGAIN) that I have never in my life wanted any of my own.

A misguided policy, to be sure.

How are you going to fit a whole clown up your ass?

• “ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”

I cannot snort hard enough at the responsibilities of parenthood link. It looks like a martyrdom parenting meme and honestly, I think this degree of ridiculousness would only strengthen my pro-choice resolve. Seriously.

They disappear into the same parallel universe that socks teleport to in the dryer. This is known.

For me, it’s usually more of this:

Appears to be a staph infection. We all carry staph on our skin. It was the constant rubbing from the hair ties combined with trapped bacteria. I’ve had this twice (MRSA, even, because I’m lucky like that). They hurt like an MF-er. I was certain I had cancer and was about to die. But ultimately it just needs drained…

I feel like it’s a shame that in second grade, you were actually getting graded in terms of F vs. B. I think I got mostly check plus or check minus that young :-(

Nope, she didn’t draw it.

Crap, no pic. But my ultimate leftovers sandwich is:

I’m really starting to feel left out. Next year I’m doing two Thanksgivings just so I can post my sandwich on here.

I was searching for a completely different joke and found this instead. I may have come out ahead.

I was always fond of Ben Edlund’s version of this joke: