If it’s a way to secretly call the cops, its a shitty one. After you issue the command, Siri comes back and says “Calling Emergency Services...”

As a middle aged male virgin I am insulted you would think I would buy a Ted.

Patton Oswalt agrees with you! Have you seen his idea for Unbreakable sequels?

I just finished watching the Evil Dead marathon on El Rey, so this is topical to me.

Yeah. That seemed like a bit of a dick move on Disney’s part.

That was perfect. I’m literally stunned. I had no idea what to expect from this show, but that was Evil Dead. Like, really Evil Dead. What strange magic is this where we have new Star Warses and Evil Deads and they look great?

It’s unfair that something can be that amazing. That was incredible, but to be fair I would have been happy watching Ash vs the Living Wage, a show about Ash trying to get by working at Value Stop. But zombies, blood, and exploding people parts works for me.

LUCY LAWLESS: I’m your new best friend.

You caught my nefarious plot to be io9 famous! Curses, I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t you meddling commenters and your Kinja too!

Awesomely bloody and mostly practical effects! Real fake blood! Lucy lawless won’t be killed of on the first episode! Yay!

HEY HEY HEY leave me the fuck out of this

Cookies are joy. I’m trying to figure out why y’all keep murdering joy before it gets a chance to grow up.

Best movie review ever.

Yeah. Please make sure to keep your Grandmother well away from me. Violence might very well ensue if she attempted to get god on my food.

Were they coneheads? This sounds like the behavior of aliens trying to impersonate humans.

Holy shit. That’s straight out of the plot of “The Juniper Tree”. Even the Brothers Grimm knew how horrifying that is.

and to her murderous stepdad, a resounding

I saw this and my balls started sympathy sweating.

LMAO. I’m so going to crochet some shorties for my partner now. It wouldn’t take long and I’d laugh so hard. Sigh. Sweet crochet dreams.