“I felt like destroying something beautiful.” ~ Fight Club

The good news is activating autodrive will automatically call 911 for the ambulance you’ll need when it arrives!

This blows my mind! I can’t believe what I’m reading! Florida requires license plates?!

THIS IS HOW THE THING STARTED.

Paint it white, put a “5" on the doors and a monkey in the trunk and I’m in!

[rushes to typewriter, hurriedly pens the worst heist movie ever.]

New vigilante: The Speed Bumper

It’s cute, like that baby hippo, but I don’t want to own either.

Thank you for your service.*

My car was in Pimp My Ride, and it had a Playstation with Pimp My Ride in it, which had my car in it, which was in Pimp My Ride!

In my defense, I have to stop to read the sign!

See the court case Finders v Keepers.

By the time I got there even their breakroom was ransacked, so I didn’t even get a Hertz donut.

The Fast and the Furriest

They already are. It’s just that we’re locked in here with them too.

Still better than when I dressed a bear in a man costume to commit all those white collar crimes.

I tried that but dropped my stack of index cards on the floor and ended up starting the fire first. Lesson learned!

“Your father’s wrong. You weren’t adopted.”

“Dad?”

I sell them back the same car they sold me a decade earlier. Who’s the sucker now, Grampa?!