I am still a little sad Chris Evans and Jenny Slate didn’t work out as a couple. Also we must protect Hugh Jackman and his body parts at all costs. He seems like the nicest most multi-talented person on earth.  

They also declared porn is bad, but steaming your vaginas and putting stones into your vagina is good, etc... 

Megan Thee Stallion as a chaotic yet sexy Hellraiser[.]

I would have no choice but to. I still went thru with things and married a man who, as groomsgifts, made honest to god combat capable lightsabers. Might be one of the few brides in the world who got to sit out most of the dancing (I had double pnemonia, I was thrilled for the save. Or I would have been if I hadn’t…

Don’t try to remove scratches. Once the lenses are scratched you can’t remove it.  All the baking soda does is fill in the scratch.   And introducing baking soda, which is an abrasive, will only scratch the lens further.  Get the lens replaced and take better care of your glasses 

Alright. How big is this apartment and where, exactly, did this professor elect to place this mannequin with a batman costume on it? Are you confronted with this peculiar conversation piece directly upon entering or is it, not hid, but discretely installed in a corner further into the interior of this guy’s pad? And I…

Illinois State Rep. Kelly Cassidy (D-Chicago) has some ideas on how to use the bounty system better.

First thing Deshowitz thought of too. Guess he really hasn’t totally lost his mind.

Idk if I’d bang him but I feel like we’d have a nice conversation about Dragon Con.

Would I sleep with him?  I’d marry him.  

“Millennials have all the grace and charm of roadkill”

My daughter ran into him last month in Santa Barbara. She took a couple photos of his m and his GF for him. Said he was a super nice guy. And his dog’s name is Fig :)

It’s so funny when millennials whine about being discriminated against because of age. But Jonah had the right response. If you can’t be gracious when someone pays you a compliment, then be silent.

Bring back Gunne Sax!

co-signed

I am Italian and I refute Ted Cruz. He is not a paisan.

Is there a reason to think Columbus wasn’t born where recorded? Or did I miss a joke (wouldn't be the first time).

I have a shirt which says, “Marisa Tomei deserved her Oscar.” When I wear it as I bartend, I get tons of comments on it. Some regulars and coworkers have said, “I had no idea who she was before I saw your shirt, decided to watch some clips of her, and now I want more.”

It’s tragic that young people aren’t taught this anymore.

(Revs up the lawnmower)