Pay attention men: Women do not like it when you send your donger to their cell phone. They end up blocking it every time.

Of course it’s bullshit. I don’t see Madison Bumgarner’s name on it.

If Manny Machado does win, I’d call whoever put this test up a wizard.

All that juice should have no problem getting to the pavement with the Sport’s standard all-wheel-drive.

Brandon Belt’s career .994 fielding percentage is also good for 69th all-time.

It’s always good when a Belt gets loose for 69.

Oh, I thought this was going to be about ordering enough food to feed 4 people and then yelling to your imaginary family “Food’s here!” so that the delivery guy doesn’t think you’re a loser ordering a single serving of orange chicken on a Friday night.

A few weeks ago I went to DC and street parked. About 45 minutes later the barricades and police showed up — they were clearing the street for the presidential motorcade. It was really cool to see it go by — something like 27 vehicles — and they made sure the street was entirely and completely devoid of traffic.…

you can see the Flying Elbow Cop thinking “THIS IS IT! THE MOMENT I’VE TRAINED MY WHOLE CAREER FOR! THE PEOPLES ELBOW!!!!”

If it was it would’ve ended with “you guys”.

I WISH.

When I was 11 I was at a week long hockey camp at the University of Maine. My best friend and I realized a couple days in that - cut off from TV (this was 1994) and playing hockey 10 hours a day - no one had any idea of what was going on in the world.

1. Delete all tweets.

If there’s a news story about “Local zoo welcomes baby _____,” it’s time to take your date there. If you spend 15 minutes watching bear cubs wrestle, and you smile and appear to enjoy it, you will get laid. It has to be a cute animal. You can’t take your lady friend to go see the baby bats or baby sloths.

I wouldn’t tweet a thing, just start following depraved porn accounts, racist accounts, etc, and then let somebody else discover it.

Running in the zoo seems like a good choice. It’ll sure as shit make everyone who sees you think “What the fuck are they running from?”

Oddly shaped men in baseball uniforms you say?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to the zoo as an adult with no kids. Anyone who says otherwise is a communist.

First Law Of Takes: A take shall remain in effect until its retraction is demanded by a more powerful organization.