Dear Entire Town of Dearborn, Kansas,

It's the 12 days of Christmas, but I'm a realist so I'll give that stupid holiday 25 days. YOU GET DECEMBER! KEEP IT. I just want November and late October back.

You are singing the song of my people. I was in Target today looking for Thanksgiving (or, fuck, at least FALL-THEMED) decorations and shit for the upcoming holiday. I was specifically looking for fancy hand-towels for my guest bath, in case The Game wants to swing by and take some selfies.

Let’s be honest. It’s Christmas who has declared war on November. #IStandWithNovember

My girlfriend is a nurse. One of the nursing staff felt that way (honestly, true, they’re all desperately needed all the time) 2 weeks ago, but ended up passing it around to most of the other staff and patients. There were floors with no nurses available for days in a row.

Because getting the flu sucks.

This kitten totally understands that kind of reaction.

Either he’s an asshole willing to threaten his coworkers with a gun, or he’s unhinged enough to pull a gun on a spider.

Went to a specialty school (college) where classes were set up each quarter based on your placement in previous quarters, so classmates constantly changed. In the course of one class set, one of our classmates decided to do an international potluck; You had to bring something, but it couldn’t be from your country of…

Should use one of these instead:

Dirty martinis only exist to mask the taste of raw ethanol, which is basically all vodka tastes like.

I’d like to think they enjoy it, especially the cats. They definitely enjoy it: “Yep. That’s my fur on your pillow. You look bored, why don’t you go ahead and clean that up. Thaaaanks.”

This is how everything becomes beige.

Two cats and a dog...they’re all real a**holes when it comes to making sure their fur covers every square inch of home!

Sometimes broken clocks are never right:

Yeah, but what if I buy a Faberge egg while traveling?

Huh, guess i better stop traveling with my Faberge eggs!

You travel without your Renoir? You might as well sleep on the streets!

This is why I never travel with all my gold and jewels. I also leave the Renoir at home.

Did someone rob him of video making skills? Because that video was horrible....