RE MIX CULTURE??? Go fuck yourself.

Just curious, how old were you when she started saying this to you? Because that is a heavy trueism to lay on anybody before like fifth or sixth grade.

I don’t know but I just GIS’d “bologna roses” and you are welcome.

“you gonna put a lot of miles on yourself down there, come on.”

Patton Oswalt has an amazing bit where he’s arguing with his mother...

How do you enjoy paying sales tax and having to pump your own gas, asks Oregon.

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer pile of bourbon farts

Oh FUCK being in the wedding party. A person who I would describe at best as an acquaintance once sent me an extremely long and scathing email because I RSVP’d no to her wedding, and she had some delusion that it was to spite her for not being invited to join the massive bridal party. She spent most of it explaining…

I do not attend weddings. Full stop. If my best friend ever gets married (again) he already knows I’m not doing shit besides maybe getting him drunk the night before.

Monogrammed wine bottle coaster? Maybe learn to fuckin pour wine properly, bridezilla.

Yes. This. I’m currently in a long term relationship and my friends are constantly commenting on how I’ve gotten over my Wild slutty days. No, I just finally found a guy who likes sex as much as I do and we have a discreet open relationship.

My napster listening history is absolutely absurd. Two hours of Lee Hazlewood followed by several N*Sync, 5ive, and Britney tracks. With a sprinkling of broadway showtunes.

HAND STUFF IS GONNA SWEEP THE LEG OR WHATEVER THE CORRECT SPORTS TERM IS

I also chuckle at my own jokes exactly like cogsworth.

I actually was just screaming, “the fucking clock said this!” Thank you for your gif service.

Less carbon dioxide. Less Xander’s face on my face. I’ll take Vampire CPR any day.

“Weird, angry, lonely, self-loathing boner.”

I’m the type of vapid bitch that would probably try to text 911 a series of emojis if I was ever in an accident, but I’m completely appalled at the idea of emojis on a dating profile. Unless it’s extremely ironic.

Not to mention she was probably in shock and not thinking, “hmmm I better play this right, so some asshole on the internet doesn’t question the extent of my injuries.”

“Maybe it’s none of your fucking business.” She was showing random strangers her tattoo which opens her up to their opinions.