I'm not sure what this face is saying, but I'm fascinated.

I dunno, Young Helen Mirren—I'mma call this one a draw.

Woo hoo! I contributed to that statistic! Anecdotally, I bought my home almost 2 years ago in the Midwest...and I have never had a male react negatively toward my home ownership. In fact, most men I know think it is awesome and have told me just that! Bonus: it never gets old to correct people who think that my fiancé…

This is extraordinarily timely for me because last night (for the first time in a LONG time) I had one of those damn things and I became a monster. A talkative, very enthusiastic, extremely wild monster. Basically I turned into horny Elmo.

Beautiful writing. My opinion is that there is never going to be a perfect time to have a baby. Not in your personal life, and certainly not in the world as a whole. So if you want to do it, go ahead.

#NotAllLarrys

I'm sincerely hoping that now that he and Polly are together we won't have to see either of them any more.

If this is wrong, then I don't want to be right. #StopKelly

didn't the crystals song 'he hit me and it felt like a kiss' come out several decades before Lana?

Oh my god I want to cry. My ex's collie/kelpie is the exact same level of annoying when you're trying to sleep! She especially likes to stick her long collie legs in your face.

Are we doing phrasing again?

But she uses 100 percent of her brain!

But how will John Green write books now?

WHEW! Good thing everyone who hasn't heard the term let us know about it!

Let me share some old-school Jez advice that might help in understanding:

for a minute i wanted my okcupid username to be "notyourMPDG" but then i figured i would have to explain it to all the sriracha-netflix-vonnegut-loving brooklyn bros what that meant and okcupid is already frustrating enough

Following Dick Vitale is one of the best things about twitter. He crams so many thoughts in to such few characters. Did you catch the final tweet of the evening? Priceless.

"Without a genre" is a really nice spin on "meaningless".

Well. I mean sure, but if you post it on instagram you're not just trying to amuse your daughter.

Whatever you do, don't read the article from earlier today.