A couple of weeks ago, it was my birthday. My sister and walked Chrissy Field that morning then went out to breakfast in Hayes Valley. So we are in our gym clothes walking down the street and walking in the opposite direction is a tall, thin man, with a pencil mustache. Is that John Waters? "Are you John Waters?"…

Um, that makes Stephanie Meyer's writing sound like frickin Shakespeare. Yikes.

My friend was a sex educator for high schoolers and often had male students say that they did their girlfriends so hard they hit their womb. Her response was always, "You must have a pencil dick because that's the only way you'd be able to do that."

I teach kindergarten and one year I had a student who told another student to show him her underwear because it was his birthday. When I told the mother of the boy after I found out (they were at PE at the time it happened), she told me it was the girl's fault because "she shouldn't be wearing such short skirts".…

She says she's bi and is currently dating Lucas Neff from Raising Hope. I think this is a pretty cool project regardless of who she's dating.

Man, those girls just opened themselves up to all the trolls.

I'd like to see a photograph of this kid just I could say "hmm, you thought you could pull her? Okay." I mean, he must look like Zac Efron or something, not that I'm into Zac Efron or anything. I'm more of Gregory Peck kinda girl.

1. Franz Ferdinand in the file to, yes!

I've never used Uber or Lyft because I'm a cheap bastard. When I lived in England, they had taxi ranks where you stood in line for a taxi. It might take awhile and you might have to eat a suspect donar kabab so you could use the toilet, but you eventually got home. Why don't we have those here?

My friend and I have always thought Giada had a detachable bottom jaw, like a snake. She gives me the wiggins. Never trust a skinny chef with a snake mouth.

If ever a city needed Kevin Bacon to turn up....

What I got of this is OAKLAND! Because I stopped listening after that. I love Oakland. That is all.

" planet Boobjokia took over their network"

You gotta pay to in the best state. Duh!

I'm stuck on Jaques Pepin. Nom.

Busy Phillips had the best Christmas tree. I can't believe you missed it!

I sometimes have a reaction to mushrooms and always have reactions to roasted pine nuts and gin. Guess what? I don't order food with or drinks with those items on it. How hard is that? Seriously people, get it together.

Do you have any extra food? Ugh. Check your own refrigerator freeloaders. The nerve!

Shelby, the meanest neighborhood kid ever, told me when I was about 6. I was devastated. Also, I teach kindergarten and there's always that kid who tells all the other kids that there is no Santa. I have to take them aside and tell them not to ruin Santa for everyone else. It's just not nice.

Well, when I was on yearbook donkey years ago, it was an actual class during the day. I believe sixth period. You were expected to do things after school like photograph the football game or take candids of the art club. You also had to stay late on deadline nights.