Try Canfield’s Tonic Water. Good flavor balance but not “artisanal.” Keep in mind the reason to drink Tonic is to prevent the malarial fluke from completing its life cycle. Until quinine was discovered much of the tropical and sub-tropical world was off limits to white Europeans.

I read the header to my darling wife who, as she passed out of the room, shrugged and said, “Of course you should get the manual. What if something breaks?”

What keeps you awake, looks like pee and tastes like ass? At least I know the answer now. As for the other cans, do what everyone else does: pour them in your gas tank.

Now he’s trying to pay off the farmers having screwed them with the trade war. Thus, We The People are getting in the shorts, twice. 

I heard scientists think there may be life on Pluto. Can we send Trump to find out, please?

Yes this. I’m a lot more concerned about making sure the kid cleans his hands then the Ratus Wingi. 

More stars!

Beats dope. 

25% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, in the US. 

Your daughter has a uterine growth. I want her to take these pills exactly as I prescribe. She’ll have a heavy period, and it may hurt, so give her this if it does, but no aspirin. Any questions?

Landowners are the only potential voters. Descendants of slaves are the only potential rapists. He clearly misspoke. 

Beautiful. MORE STARS!!

I find his remarks encouraging. You make a mistake, you own up to it. Good philosophy.  We can only hope Republican voters feel the same way, that they are ready to own up to their error and either not vote or vote Democratic. 

A fake trip to Japan!? A fake stay at Coachella!? I fear this trend won’t end until we have a fake president in a fake White House!

She certainly has the a ... arms for it.

One look at that smug SOB’s picture and all I can say is, SAY IT ISN’T SO!

A woman of 36 summers. And some MEAN F*CKING WINTERS!

F*CK Game of Thrones!!! Remake the ending of Grave of the Fireflies, THEN I’ll consider signing their GD petition!

What can you expect from a man who marries his mother-in-law? I mean, really!?

THIS! (& thank you, & I hope you find your burner key.)