(Drake’s “real name”) ;)

Pundit? More like pundidn’t.

David Sedaris wrote that in response to being told “I’m going to have you fired” he was always tempted to respond, “I’m going to have you killed.”

I am a 35 y/o married guy who does all the shopping and cooking in my house. I usually go Sunday mornings for a large weekly trip to try to get as much stuff at once as is possible without meticulously planning every single thing I’m going to make.

Wait, what? Are you a cat?

I’ve always hated the “I’ll get you fired” response. I told a woman once that if a person like her could get me fired, then the job wasn’t worth keeping.

When I managed a Borders we were also responsible for this small calendar kiosk on the other side of the shopping center. I was there covering someone’s lunch break and this crazed woman came over demanding why we had no bichon frise calendars. The dog calendar people were always the weirdest.

I was way more of a smart-ass when I worked in a bookstore, since my manager was always job hunting and couldn’t have cared less. During the height of the “Twilight” craze, right when the last book and the first movie had been released, we were sent a metric ton of merch, including those SweetHearts chalk-flavored…

I won’t call her out on the affair—he broke vows, she didn’t. She owes nothing to another person’s marriage. That said, the way she taunted the first wife was borderline sociopathic.

After Julia Roberts started dating that married dude and then went around wearing a shirt rubbing it in the wife’s face, FUCK Julia Roberts. I’m sure there’s more to the story but still, not classy.

During the children’s sermon on Christmas Eve, the pastor gave the gifts these gorgeously wrapped presents. The kids opened them and the boxes were empty - he was building to something. So he asked the kids if they knew why their boxes were empty? Much much louder than he anticipated due to the fine ascoustics in the…

Well this is a story of my grandfather at a moment of great family sadness and pain.

Hey, you were halfway there...

My Jewish parents attended mass given at the Vatican by Pope John Paul II. I asked why, and my dad told me he was hungry and wanted the cracker.

This is a different kind of sacrilege but I’ll share it anyway. When I was in the 4th grade, I started singing with the adult church choir. One of the adults, a lovely woman who later became my third grade teacher, would often give me a ride home after practice.

How do I ‘accidentally’ delete John Mayer?

Or maybe for if you have any interest in cultures outside your own?

Just to broaden your cultural knowledge.

HOT TAKE: Maybe Garden State wasn’t actually that bad?

You know what? I liked Garden State and I kind of loved the soundtrack. You know what else I liked? (500) Days of Summer.