I’m complaining to Kellogg’s because I keep accidentally eating my Rice Krispies box, and to Budweiser because I keep trying to drink the bottle. Thinking of hiring a lawyer.

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Cottage cheese does not deserve to be called cheese. Good mutz should never be in the fridge, it ruins the texture. Either freeze it or eat it immediately.

“Buying this Barbie jeep is the craaaaaaziest thing I’ve ever done! So cool! And crazy!”

She lost her license because she refused the breath test and her awesome parents took her car away.Her parents are the heroes here.

The Tara in my classes for early childhood couldn’t figure out why the parents of the 3-5 year olds were so upset with her. I mean, she was just telling the kids the truth of how much bank she's makes being a stripper.

She’s not my hero. She drove drunk and is choosing to make light of her punishment instead of accepting the consequences.

2005? Oh shit you guys, I’m from 10 years in the future and I have to tell you...shit gets worse. Take all of your money out of the market in 2007, you’ll thank me.

OK but why get huge bobbles when you can just get someone to hand paint tiny sloths on your nails (and apply small bobbles)?

I’m trying to have dinner but I’m laughing too hard right now. If there’s ever a “worst fart situation” pissing contest, you’re a serious contender.

When I go running, I fart. A lot. Normally I am running by myself so I just let them rip without shame, or until I am at least far enough away from the person running past me to claim a smelt it dealt it situation. So one night I had gone for a 5 mile jog at this park near my house (shout out to Green Lake) and I…

“I do not believe mothers and daughters should be separated.”

I love scary movies and my husband isn’t a huge fan. Which makes it even worse that we go through this exchange every time I insist on going to or renting one.

It amuses me to think of Ian McKellan telling TayTay, “OooooOhh, I’ve got a thing that night...”

Also, “Now, however, ModCloth seems to be on the up and up.”

you know damn well when you close

I think Kahless would look just darling in a jug of sangria.

you better shut up and serve

I watched from the corner as Sara took them their wine glasses. And I watch as she tottered over with a large, fruit-filled pitcher of sangria. And I watched as she lifted the pitcher high over the wretched woman’s head...and dumped it all over her.