When you yeast expect it.

It's never safe to buy bread genetically engineered with human genes. It always rises up and murders you at some point because it's become so smart.

I’ve told my husband that he should remarry. He deserves to be happy. However, my engagement ring, a family heirloom, is to be returned to my mother. Under no terms is That New Bitch (who I’m sure is lovely and smart and thoughtful because husband has very good taste) to have it. Step off, New Bitch.

I tell my boyfriend all the time that if I die I’m gonna hang around and cock-block him as a ghost.

Answer: Yes. He probably could. After he ran out of clean underpants and had to resort to the emergency “Smiley Face Boxers”, he would probably do a load of laundry..but it would never make it into the dresser. He would probably use the same glass over and over. Grocery shopping would consist of food for our kid,…

“Dear animal, please accept this humble offering of our firstborn...”

I would have taught him how to read by spelling words on my vulva.

When I was in college I spent a semester in Europe. My mother was telling our neighbors about my trip, and told them that I had visited Germany and went to the concentration camp in Dachau. The neighbor lady (a grown-ass woman) asked: “They do tours there? Don’t the prisoners care that people are coming just to look…

They're hiding in the geyser. You have to get up real close and stick you head in to see 'em.

Well, they did capitalize it. Maybe they were hoping to see Bears, the famed Jezebel commenter?

well i mean i paid to see bears, and they provided me with zero bears

“I lugged this archaic camera all the way out here and didn’t have one Kodiak moment!”

Weirdest dog I’ve ever owned.

LADIES

can I come with you guys and hang with the cats and the pengins

WAIT FOR ME I’M COMING WITH YOU

*packs bags*

LIVE! Killed LIVE and on the air! We now have people being MURDERED on live TV. We have CHILDREN being murdered in their classrooms. Nothing gets done. We, as a country, through our inaction have said this is A-OKAY. Just another day in the beautiful United States! Let freedom ring and god bless America and her guns!

I want angry cats to pee in their hair while they sleep. What utter bastards.