Nothing about him is attractive. NOTHING

“She couldn’t give the customer a free food order simply because the customer didn’t know what a thing was”

“baby, I could only afford a 17 day lease, but for the next 2ish weeks, you OWN this car (but please stay under 75 miles or I’ll have to pay some overages and that money is gonna have to come out of your christmas present).”

*comes to Kitchenette*

That Au Bon Pain employee was way cooler than I would have been.

Many years ago at the group home for developmentally disabled teens where I worked there was a resident who really, really wanted to go to the best steak house in the city for his 18th birthday. He had behavior and anger issues, but was determined to earn that birthday dinner, and he managed it. So another staff…

Well, she doesn’t compare to HIM, but my Aunt Hazel has a comparable slacks set.

It's uh my cheat day too yes, THATS why I ate all these tacos.

My dog, Princess Trudy, died this afternoon. I’m overwhelmed with emotion, but amazed at the love outpouring from family and friends. She was 16 1/2, and had a great life.

I’m a medium and I believe around the 3:10 mark that there is a spirit standing in the doorway of the elevator after the door closes.

I’m pretty sure you’re NOT part of the target market. This is for people who enjoy trying samples!

So, who wants lunch? My treat.

When I hand it to her, I tell her, “No charge for the extra blood!” She doesn’t even blink, snatches the package and leaves.

Jon Daly for Official Yoko Translator.

I used to have the biggest crush on him and his emo nail polish in high school. What’s become of us, Carson? Are either of us the people we once were?

I like to imagine that UncommonSense actually knew it was a man all along but just didn’t give a fact.

How are this many people so new to the internet? And how did they end up on Kitchenette as their Orientation Day site?!

So...I once cooked sausages on a hot plate, left the grease burning for a day, took a couple of xanax the next night, woke up to firemen breaking down my locked door while the alarm blared and coughing through the heavy smoke, in a room that shouldn’t have been occupied in my frat house in the first place as a fire…