Um, hello. Organic unicorn farts, and free-range angel tears.

Bear in mind the pain of that burn the next time you think you can prevent the flu with yak testicles or whatever you idiots believe nowadays.

I used Alba’s sunscreen and I got a sunburn.

This is like some weird nightmare alternate universe where everyone you know is replaced by vaguely similar-looking aliens who act like nothing is wrong.

two little Olsens saying “no way Jose” to working—unless they get more money.

Mother. FUCKER.

not with that attitude

Please call or text 646-812-5430.

Are you there husband?

To quote GhostOfCourtneyStoddensBoobs...

i truly feel like this dog is trying to help

Pfft. Where’s my goddamn Bud Light?!

Oh god. When you are secret high and someone says their sad feelings at you is a terrible time. Like, yeah, buddy, I am so sorry that you are sad but I just can’t because I’m trying to listen but also I’m imagining what kinds of jokes this sandwich would tell and I’m coming up with really good ham puns.

It is absolutely not celebrating the crime of Jack the Ripper but looking at why and how the women got in that situation in the first place.

That blanket is crocheted.

Cool story, angelina brolie.

I’d be like:

Sarah

This is what happens when you teach women that there is only one way to be a good mother. This is what happens when you teach women that perfection is the primary goal, that mistakes are the enemy, that outward perception is sacrosanct. This is what happens when you value a woman’s relationships over her mental health…