I've been thinking of penning a memoir.
Honestly, honey, the amount of stories I have in me - I'll be surprised if they fit in one book!
I was scribbling some thoughts down and thought I'd share a passage with you.
*takes long drag of cigarette, puts on reading glasses, clears throat*

Desperation is an unattractive quality, doll…

Honey, I can't hate you just because your opinion is wrong.
That would be barbaric!

Well who wouldn't have chemistry with Richard?
The man's a fox…

Oh, doll, I can only sympathise.
You must feel an incoherent, incomprehensible fool.
I'm not saying you're wrong, but I sympathise.

I try to be illuminating, honey.

So… trying to help with Lorelai's suitors.
Sneaky? Perhaps.
But oh, she would've had fun with at least one of them.
I certainly did when I went to console them afterwards… *takes long drag of cigarette*

Honey, it would appear I don't need to 'go prehistoric'.
What a burden it is to have all of these loyal readers…

No Patty again? No matter, you know I always have plenty to say!
Let me tell you the story of my meeting David Bowie…
Okay, so I'll set the scene. 
It was the early 70s, say 72/73, and I was out with my first husband - you know, the one I told you all about who has since discovered he prefers the company of gentlemen. 
I…

And sugar, I got a ton of 'em!

Oh honey, I apologize for my lateness.
I have a life to live and a business to run, you know.
Now, with the server, there's simply nothing to tell!
As we've discussed before, I like a man in a uniform.
I blame that young gentleman's hat, because I was sorely unimpressed by him the next day.
No, there was no powdering,…

Now I know what you're going to say, kittens. 
"That town meeting turned into a witch hunt, Patty! What were you thinking, getting involved?"
I know the Mariano kid is mostly harmless, but there was a lot of thoughtless acting out on his part.
From what I had heard from East Side Tilly, I knew he didn't have the easiest…

Something about all that time at sea gives them that extra oomph

Ah yes, the return of Christopher…
He's all wrong for Lorelai, but for yours truly?
Well, I could've done worse.
Hell, honey, I have done worse!
Now the 'hello, sailor' thing. That was from a real-life experience, believe it or not.
There I was, a waif of thing, with a few of my girlfriends when we happened to run into a…

Oh, I just love a drag club!
The music! The lights! The lip synching!
It's all so fun!
Though a Marilyn did ask me who I was 'supposed to be' that night, which I wasn't too fond of.
Babette and I actually tried running a drag night at the bar about a year back.
It turns out that Stars Hollow doesn't have too many drag…

Yes doll, we can tell.
Hartford can tell…

Oh Lord, honey, anything!
He was so silent and stiff.
I think he was just annoyed he didn't have his megaphone, anymore.

"It's not that big a deal if he just finds out"
Not before or since have I been so unconvinced of a performance  - and I've seen a lot of bad performances. 
Taylor as Othello.
Let that sit with you for a second.
To return to Lorelai and Luke, of course it was a big deal! 
I realise that rounding the town up may have been…

Simmer down, honey.

Well okay, you don't have to beg, doll.
I was teaching a class a few months before that town meeting. I remember we were practicing and, though it was winter, I opened up the doors of my studio.
I always feel fresh air gets the mood up in a class - if nothing else, the cold kept them on their toes.
We were going through…