My brother is 2 years younger than me, and there’s a family photo of toddler me trying to push him out of the hospital room when he was born, and I was PISSED when my sister was born. I don’t like kids. I didn’t even like being a kid.

I was 9 when my sister was born. That’s also when I started taking care of a baby and decided that shit was not for me. I’ve changed so many diapers.

I was a 13 year old looking after a newborn little sister since both parents had to work. Rarely was it more then an hour or two (though as we both got older I was relied on more and more for babysitting until I went to college) and there was NOTHING BORING about it. I was a serious child and that kind of…

This is all assuming I have sets of earrings where 1) I still have both earrings and 2) I still have their backs.

Apparently I live under a rock and haven’t seen the commercial! Not to be all hipster because I watch plenty of Netflix but Jeopardy is one of the few things I watch on TV...so I’m only familiar with COPD drugs and life insurance commercials.

No but apparently the state his is from had the sense to get rid of him, whereas Texans vote for him. At least if he was Texan you could claim people are possibly voting for him just out of loyalty to their state. Apparently people are voting for him because they like him! That’s way worse.

I got lucky. I was going for a parasite joke but no one would swallow it.

Puts the ‘ape’ in tapeworm?

For a fiscal conservative, that’s a damned pricey way to cook bacon.

Cool. This one time, I was camping and it was dark. I turned off my lamp and squatted to #PEE somewhere in the trees. Started to get that feeling somebody’s watching me and heard a distinct... lapping??? noise? So I spun around with my pants down and there was a deer drinking my #PEE straight from the tap, under my…

I guess a matching milk glass would be a little too on the nips, I mean nose.

I would buy the hell out of a MRSA necklace.

If you put an A between the M and the R you can warn people about aliens.

If you tape an A to the end, you can warn people about your staph infection.

I don’t know but I read Cosmo as a teen and early 20-something and it didn’t turn me into a degenerate fiend.

Try liquid lipsticks? A lot of brands are making them now. They dry completely and do not rub off at all until they come in contact with something oily. Kat von D, Stila, and Sephora brand have good ones but there are some at the drug store, too (NYX might be the drugstore favorite). I have used Kat von D and Stila,…

My lips are too pinkish and pigmented for most nudes, so that’s my problem. My “nude” is MAC’s Taupe.

Who is this man humping a couch and why can’t I stop looking?

SPF30 is some melanin haver shit. Us true day walkers require SPF50+

OR JUST BE PALE THATS OKAY TOO JOIN OUR COVEN IN THE SHADE WITH THE SPF30