DO NOT drink out of the champagne fountain at the reception.

Absolutely lost me (typo - it stays) shit over this. THANK YOU.

Only $1.00 a day? That's fantastic because MY AUNT MAKES $24.85 WORKING FROM HOME SELLING AND DISTRIBUTING LUBE! SHE WAS AN UNEMPLOYED MOM AND NOW DRIVES AN AUDI 200! EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO!

I'm in bed with a terrible cold and that made me do a wonderful though rather painful hacking laugh It was worth it.

Will we have to watch sad videos of sad little lubes looking sad?

"Hey, you know what this Adrian Peterson thing reminds me of boss?"

Sensitive subject: How do I explain to my counter person that, rather than coke or sprite, I would like my Big Mac combo to come with a large soda's worth of secret sauce?

No, dude! I am as straight as they come!

I too know the bitter taste of my foot. The important thing is to learn from it.

God I wish someone had said this to me when I was in school.

I don't want to out anyone, but pumpkins are gay food. Usually they're pretty closeted, but every October they come out flaming.

We were having all kinds of issues with lunches and food going missing in our office fridge about a year and a half ago. People started putting up nasty notes on the fridge about the thief. After a few weeks it escalated so that one day all the lunches were in the garbage with coffee and gounds poured over the top…

They've done studies that found if you post a picture of a pair of eyes above the office coffee fund, it reduces theft. Even being watched by a photo can scare at least a few people subliminally-straight.

I've never seriously felt the need to guard against this, but sometimes I'll just write "CURSED" on it.