The one and only! Ugh, I loathe backpacks. All the cheap ones I can ever find are nondurable-cheap and most of 'em are eyesores.

That's what I'm talking about. I carry a tote myself.

I have to tote a shitton every day (meds, inhaler, along with aforementioned cosas in post above) and even my amazing gentlemen's painter jeans don't have pockets THAT big.

Eh. I have medications I need to carry and an inhaler and such, so I need to tote more than the average person (hence my bag.)

The volume is not working on my computer but please tell me that's Same Love.

No, spraying smoke from your crotch is NOT the new spraying whipped cream from your tits! With spraying whipped cream from your tits, at least you are spraying WHIPPED. CREAM. The smoke is pretty useless unless you're looking to make a sexually suggestive , ineffective getaway.

My younger brother is notorious for doing that. If we're going somewhere: "Fishnets can I put my iPod in your purse? And my cellphone? And my wallet and my handheld-game-thing and my key to the fucking city?" No, little bro, you cannot. But you can use the money I'm giving you for your birthday to get your own purse.

But wait... That's a clutch, not a purse. You bring those to fancy parties where nobody ever gets drunk enough to escape the horrible tedium of the fancyness, don't you?

I beg to differ.

As a woman, I own a shitton of women's pants and all of them save 1 have functional pockets. And they never have enough room to carry everything I need (bigass dinosaur phone, bobby pins, keys, wallet, papers, change of uniform in case I'm out and get called in to work, and if I've got a class - notebooks, laptop, etc…

Why don't more guys carry purses? They're just practical. Toss all your shit in it and you're ready to fucking go. Keys, wallet, any papers you might need that day, phone, flask (if you're that kinda person), et cetera.

Better not be usin' any of them Whore Pills or that Penis Protection witchery!

Eurgh? I'm really not sure how to react to that whole thing.

Evidently.

"A donut will red wedding your whole damn family"

I would say the sight of feces will probably turn a woman off faster than the smell of feces, and that's why the authors presumably at one point struggled to get laid (or why else would they write a book for people who need help): they're full of shit.

Oh, no, silly! The gays can't marry federally! And that's why we'll win. Because everyone knows you've got to be in a good mood for world (heh) domination, and we'll be in good moods because we'll be having ALL the kinky sex and there you married straights will be in bad moods because your wedding rings apparently…

There is a time and a place for the anti-drinking moralizing. It is not after a rape trial and conviction, because that still puts the onus on the victim.

Replace "stick my finger up" with "smack" and you literally quoted my initial reaction to this piece. The dude doesn't make any sense. Internet high-five.

Didn't you know? It IS a rule. And it's why the gays will win.