I just love any opportunity to share about my friend that we like to call "God's cruel practical joke." He is allergic to red food dye and red green color blind. So, if he wants to eat something like gummi bears, he has to have somebody pick at all the red ones for him.

Poor little Cotton. I just want you to know that we, your brothers and sisters, are all praying for your safe return.

a) Yep, she agreed to the surge pricing.

Both Uber and Lyft drivers are straight-up fined by my city any time they're caught working, because there's a city ordinance saying that all cab companies have to be operating 24/7, something which Uber and Lyft can't guarantee.

And I thought his songs had bad hooks.

It actually makes sense if you have the room. He's hot, she's cold. He needs music to sleep, she doesn't. She gets up early, he's a night owl. He farts and is kind enough to leave....

STOP IT. YOUR ELBOWS ARE GOING TO GET FAT.

Science has now answered life's most important question. . .

I guess it depends on whether you're more interested in the nutritional aspect of vegetarian/vegan diet, in which case most restaurant food isn't all that great whether it's technically plant-based or not. It's slowly getting better though.

Toss in half a cup of almond butter in the mix and that my recipe.

The Sbarros map also conveniently doubles as a map of every mall in America.

Yep! Costco rules. They have figured out the "loss-leader" just as well as Ikea. The $10 Costco pizza normally comes attached with a $400 receipt for stuff we never planned to get...

Right, because quality and financial success are always linked together. Everyone knows Katy Perry is the highest quality musician in the world today, Iron Man 3 was the most critically acclaimed movie of the year, and the greatest American novel ever written was the Hunger games.

The irony of quoting someone and then applying the over used "said no one ever". That unfunny witisisim is now officially face slap worthy.

I would definitely go out of my way to piss on Papa John.

Round Table Pizza > Everything else. (WEST COAST ONLY)

It's a real thing. My boyfriend likes "actual meals" where I could survive on a balance bar, big lunch, and bar snacks. Bastard.

As a former professional ancestry researcher, I applaud this article. Incredible writing and well sourced to boot (particularly considering the lax standards under which Deadspin articles are normally penned).

So, can we expect "How to kill someone and get away with it" on Friday?

@freakshowtime: Some people just hit it with their head.