"I see one dog walking, held on a leash, but at the other end of the leash is another dog. He bears the familiar trappings of humanity- clothing, a rudimentary understanding of speech, but he is just as much an animal as the four-legged creature beside him, attempting to sniff its own anus. The dog is an illusion, it…

Booth may have been cracked, but for my money no one is as remarkably crazy as James Garfield assassin Charles Guiteau. He was insistent that, when Chester Arthur inevitably rewarded him with an ambassadorship, he be posted to the French embassy. Not some lousy posting to Luxembourg or Belgium.

His point is that these millionaire Hollywood types are too far removed from the average American voter to understand their concerns, but that a (purported) billionaire real-estate mogul with an Ivy League degree somehow is.

Look, just because we made his birthday a holiday, and named our capital city after him, and built a giant monument in his honor there and decreed no other building in the city should be taller than it and slapped his face on our currency does not imply that we idolize him.

[The CAPED CRUSADER and ROBIN sort through mounds of returnables in a dark warehouse]

Kids know them from that punk album produced by Ray Manzarek of The Doors*

I like the shows that don't get cancelled.

The Build-a-bear-ger Group convenes once a year at a secret retreat to decide the fate of the world.

Who are you going to believe, a syndicated radio talk show host with millions of listeners, or your own lyin' eyes?

Taco Bell is encouraging people to cross the border, implicitly endorsing illegal immigration.

If this is anyone but Steve Martin, you're stealing my bit.

(Marvin trolls his cousin by linking to video of Michael J. Fox covering Chuck Berry with Coldplay)

Somebody else can cover Geddy Lee or Mick Jagger adequately, but ain't nobody fool enough to try and take the place of Freddie Mercury*.

I Hope They Serve Beer In That Theater.

Sponsored by Duff!

Of course it's not MacBeth, it's clearly derived from Hamlet.

What can he say, Hyman G. Rickover just looked so dashing in that Admiral's uniform.

I'm pretty sure that the fifteen-year-old kid I saw at the mall went to see Zeppelin in '72.

(Points wand at keg, intones Lux Naturalis.)

-My senile grandfather at the bar every night.