Come back, Shane!

"For Our Consideration: Why doesn't Turtle, the largest Entourage-r, not simply eat the other three?"

If I had any ability to play guitar, I would indulge the first yahoo who requested that, but then turn it into an extended thirty-minute jam that eats up most of our set. Give him so much "Freebird" in one go, he'll never want "Freebird" again, like when Sitcom Dad makes you smoke the whole pack when he catches you…

Turtles also carry a high probability of any humans near them getting horribly mutated by ooze.

You can't spell melanin without Melani…a!

Their Sabado got more and more Gigante, until one day it encompassed us all.

That's just the stress of the job. Every one of those guys had a full, glossy head of hair on January 19.

You're referring, of course, to Egica, king of the Visigoths of Hispania, stirring up anti-Semitic sentiment at the Seventeenth Council of Toledo in 694, accusing Jews of aiding Muslims and sentencing all of their religion to slavery?

Never happen. I imagine it would die from poisoning within the first thirty hours.

And with that oddball Grover Cleveland messing things up, only 43 different individuals have been president before him!

I have a hypothesis that Emma Stone is scooping up all the roles that would have been filled by a parallel dimension's sober Lindsay Lohan.

I think a permanent residency at the strip mall Chuck E. Cheese is the logical next step for Phish after their thirteen shows at Madison Square Garden.

Substitute SURGE! for the third, I guess.

What if he's not a writer yet, but my main character is in a screenwriting class? This screenwriting class?

That's too implausible. Just tell him an eccentric 1930's chocolatier filled one of them with candy, to be claimed by whoever tears it down and rips it open.

Burned in a dumpster, or thrown in the East River with concrete overshoes?

He just read Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War.

His Nixon piece is so wonderful, and I'm curious who will write a worthy successor when Trump kicks the biggest, hyugest bucket.

And Ian McKellen is not actually a wizard!

They know better, but they also know that by saying those things, they can increase the size of their piece of the pie.