I can’t fall asleep on planes because i know as soon as i do, someone’s gonna stick their fingers in my mouth.

Cardinals fans want you to know they’d never do that to one of their own. Then they’d probably talk about how Alou got pretty uppity about the whole thing.

$20 sunglasses?!?!? Well laaaaa-deeee-dahhh, Mr. Zuckerberg.

Condition has been downgraded to Gnarly

Is Kum’N’Go the worst (secretly best) named convenience store? There’s a chain in my neck of the woods called Pump’n’Pantry and for some reason it sounds disgusting to me.

Those neighbors are awfully righteous for people whose fences are made out of dildos.

Sorry. It’s the Kwik-E-Mart. Always has been.

Idea: The Indians should wear the names of all the players from Major League.

13 strikes and a grand slam. It’s like a Denny’s restaurant health inspection grade.

only consider asking a girl of her political leanings if you are unsure of your pull out game.

I for one will be disappointed if Golden State chooses not to go to Washington. Opportunities like this come along once in a lifetime, if that. I think the Warriors, provided they receive an invitation, had better think long and hard about how to respond. It is a personal meeting with the Goddamn President of the…

With that route running precision it’s a wonder why he didn’t choose football

In Samardzija’s defense, it must be difficult for him to remember which team he plays for. 

Um, if it had nothing to do with the city, then why is the T-Rex short for Torontosauras Rex, idiot.

Billy Ray Johnson, 58, and Michael Blake Pinkerton, 34

“Guess he’s not a gunslinger.” - Gruden

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t see the need to have boobs in the booth.

ZUKKA’S THOUGHTS:

Nah that’d be a smart move, they won’t do that