I’ve got an idea for all of professional sports. Not a revolutionary one, because non-sports businesses have done this for as long as there have been branch offices.

The next time a suck-ass team with a suck-ass manager (I’m looking at you, Philadelphia Phillies) needs to relieve said SAM of his duties midseason, don’t…

Can we have that one of his nanny friends is Helen Mirren. Whip-cracking Helen Mirren.

Crap. That was my outside voice, wasn’t it?

Have they put Bledsoe into the concussion protocol yet? Maybe that’s why he doesn’t recognize Rozier.

White people. We fuck up everything. Especially when it comes to politics.

He reminds me of the Chronoton from Agents of SHIELD. Except way less helpful.

Or Adam Silver’s evil twin.

I think Brad and the Celtics should invite the Notre Dame women’s team to TD Garden for the playoffs. Both for the mojo and in case the Cs need another shooting guard.

Maybe Brad Stevens and the Celtics should invite them to their playoff games. Both for mojo and for an extra shooting guard.

You win.

I was thinking that Mark Davis would’ve made the list, but he’s not even an upper echelon schmuck.

Breaking news: Danny Ainge just traded your mom for Giselle Bundchen, Chrissie Tiegen and a SBMTBNL (Swedish bikini model to be named later).

Oh, wait: he also got an unprotected 2019 2nd round pick from Sacramento, too.

What was that? I still can’t hear you over the echoes of last year’s World Series parade.

I remember the heartache of the Bartman game in 2003. I thought that was the low-point of Dusty’s managing career. But tonight was a horror show of Lovecraftian proportions; the only thing missing was Yog-Sothoth gargling “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” and driving everyone insane.

You would’ve loved Rodney Scott.

Clearly, the Cubs needed you to watch more games.

Let’s just put the entire mid-70s Cub roster on display? Just marvels of mediocrity like Dave Rosello and his no hit/good fielding/better Afro slash line. Larry Biittner who was known for wearing Billy Williams #26 before the Cubs realized they might want to retire it. Steve Ontiveros who is always remembered as the…

Don’t forget his brother, Dave, who played for the Cubs and drove in the winning run in that memorable 1984 extra innings game against the Cardinals!

There’s a second baseball team in Chicago? Who knew.

Cub fans don’t get the hate that the Cardinals and Red Sox do because we don’t endlessly whinge about Not Winning Every Fucking Game As Is Our Natural Right.

“Ball Don’t Lie: The Next Generation.”

Let ‘em dunk over teeny tiny Trump/Pence!!!