“And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I can have my rights stripped and be stuck in a dungeon somewhere and have my testicles electrocuted.”

With a massive failure of a business venture on his resume and vitriolic social media presence, Curt Schilling gladly accepts the 2020 Republican presidential nomination.

Always start with the Crane Kick, Derek-san.

The Patriots are combing the rulebook to see how many of Brady’s parts can be affixed while still being legally considered Jacoby Brissett.

And on the “American Outrage” meter, this revolting display has only earned 0.0001 Kaepernicks.

Also his sterling .299 OBP! Matt Kemp is terrible.

And a whole 0.6 fWAR. He’s up to 1 in the past two seasons! Good for him!

The Padres felt it was only fair since the Dodgers failed to disclose Matt Kemp was legally dead.

Most cults at least give you the uniform for free. Tough break.

A man who was paid handsomely without producing anything of value has nothing left to learn in Silicon Valley.

And there goes all that money earmarked for genital-scanning bathroom robots.

Which is swell for everyone that isn’t burned alive by the wildfire.

I guess it was too much to hope this ended with his wiping his butt with the flag.

George Steinbrenner returns from Hell to try and trade him for Carlos Gonzalez.

/Shane Spencer’s ears prick up

If you’re going to waste 750 million dollars in Vegas at least get a blowjob and cocaine out of it.

Meow! That mean girl Donald letting those celebs have it!

If a “game fiasco” is grounds for a lawsuit Browns fans should be expecting a windfall.

Trump hopes to follow in Jonathan’s footsteps by making Washington much, much worse.

Definitely needs a wad of chaw for effect.