Apparently, thinking about baseball didn’t keep the fireworks guy from shooting early.

It’s so cute that they’ve got the names of an NBA franchise like a proper junior league team and everything. I especially loved the contributions of PLAYER 7.

This is fucking fantastic.

Coaches were at a loss to explain whose fault the play was, since the players are all nice boys from good families.

<begin pedantry>

This is really one of those golden opportunities for me. I mean, what if I call and we really hit it off? I’m just saying what if MY call is the ONE CALL he answers out of thousands and we vibe. I feel like we would vibe, me and Jimmy Butler the professional basketball star. It would probably start slow. Like he’d…

Is that you, Progressive Liberal?

Oh I see, just because he’s male and blond haired America doesn’t care about the truth. You can bet your ass if this had been a flat-coated retriever they’d be demanding to see his papers and questioning what happened to the real Jake...

You shut your fucking mouth.

Nothing to see here. Getting kicked to the other coast is just Manifest Destiny.

Kenny Lofton is still playing.

Obviously they won’t go. No one in the NBA supports a travel ban.

So Tiger was driving a $200,000 Mercedes Benzodiazepine?

I think it’s the “machine” part. My cousin, Sex Machine, is also a scumbag.

I’ve seen this romcom before. KD and Rihanna’s fight make them realize that the only thing worse than how they feel about each other is how they feel WITHOUT each other. They eventually fall in love and end up getting married. Jeff Van Gundy, still obsessed with Rihanna, tries to interrupt the ceremony but ends up…

Kelly Rowland is a huge J.R. Smith fan and was shouting down Igoudala from the upper deck. No mention of that apparently.

He’ll probably get an award for actually using a turn signal in Florida.

Officer: Do you understand what I’m asking you to do?

I’m here for the fat drama and I won’t apologize for it.

What do you notice from Tom Brady on a daily basis that helps him maintain his high level of performance?