FRUITFUL!!!

Old El Paso hard and soft taco shells?

I appreciate than more than you can ever know.

“Meanwhile, a rep for Kim said, ‘All the assertions are false.’”

Happy Easter, y’all. My local wine bar is having an adult Easter egg hunt later on this afternoon. I have no idea what it entails but I’m there.

Got out of bed this morning, saw my dog walking into the room and blurted out: “Damn, doggie! Back at it again with the white paws!”

Some people need to stop expressing their opinions, Mr. Irons.

I know his position on the issues - he’s very, very, deeply wrong. He’s anti-abortion. He’s voted against civil rights bills. He’s voted against gay rights, an issue near and dear to my super gay heart.

I used Le Tote for a few months because I had gained weight due to a broken foot and didn’t want to buy clothes in a size I was hoping to not be for very long. It made getting dressed for work a breeze and no laundry! Le Tote is around $50 a month which compared to this doesn’t seem that bad but obviously the…

I thought it was David Schwimmer.

I sort of get it. I hate harsh lighting—not just because of how it makes people look (bad, always bad), but because it is too much sensory stimulation. Sunshine is one thing—you’re outside, your eyes are expecting it—but inside at night, I’m always turning off bright overhead lights and switching on side lamps. Who…

When I clear away the dishes at dinner, I ask my wife “Are you Sammi and Ronnie done or Done-done? “ before I take her plate.

IT’S NOT BREAKFAST IF YOU DON’T HAVE BISCUITS AND BACON, YOU FASCISTS. Seriously, it’s like they just picked the worst breakfast items to have during the day. Bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit or NOTHING.

Is that how he broke in?

I mean, this is mostly fine.

I just don’t understand why, if these guys really can’t sit next to women, they don’t just start their own all-male airline other than the fact that I’ve already copyrighted that idea and am halfway done designing the Stewards uniforms.

Finally. If your religion prohibits any sight or incidental contact with women, maybe you should stay home. We certainly won't.