+50-inch waistline.

This is really sad. Poor guy. Imagine having Johnny Manziel as a roommate. Can you get chlamydia from sharing milk?

At this point, I just really feel bad for wonder what the fuck is wrong with him. What the fuck? I’m a guy whose relationship with alcohol borders on unhealthy, but I would kick drinking in 5 seconds if I had a paycheck like Johnny. Does he not want to play?

I think you made a mistake:

That’s libel. My attorney will be in contact:

What? What?!

What is that pink crap on top? It looks like someone drank a slurpey and puked on a mediocre hat full of nachos.

You win second place. Unless you put tomatoes slices on it. I which case, I hoped you are damned to an eternity of crippling diarrhea, waiting in line for the only functioning bathroom at Wrigley.

Oh my god. This list is where boners go to die. Here is the real list:

You are a gift to your students (I just hope for your career you remain incognito).

This reminds me of the tradition we have at Lambeau where to opposing team’s fans throw naked pictures of their wives/girlfriends on to the field. Unless they’re from Philly, because ewwwwwww.

That joke was so bad, it permanently damaged my sense of humor. Now every joke I hear will be a little less funny to me.

I for one have a hard time believing that the man that wrote such uplifting novels like No Country for Old Men and The Road would be married to a women like this.

God dammit! Where do you get this stuff from? Excellent.

Baltimore is a crime infested shithole.

[Reads list. Gets diabetisssssss and butt cancer].

Dude, why are all your articles fucking novels these days. If I can’t read it in one sitting (sitting being a dump break at work), it aint getting read.

Lucky bastard. I took my kids to Disney World, and completely wanted to die after an hour.

Please to be explaining “people of color are—yet again—systematically shut out of economic advancement, while white people get an implicit leg up”.

Wait...someone had to pay the LAPD $20k to investigate Charlie Sheen for allegedly threatening to have his ex murdered?