As Jezebel’s official Cumberbitch, I approve this post. Dont be that person in the theater. I will hunt you down, and you will die a slow, painful death. Right there, in the theater, like all of Hamlet’s characters. Except for Horatio and Fortinbras, of course.

All the gun freaks will probably only talk about the hatchet and the hatchet wounds.

Can we send them bootstraps?

Just came in here to say that my husband had legit never heard of Lizzie Borden or the murders until a couple of weeks ago. We were joking around about how we hope we don’t mess up our future kids, and then this happened:

why is everyone bad

So this is the year of the prosthetic penis. I’ve seen like 4 movies where they show one,, but we all wanna see the real dick. Whose got the real dick? (we need equality on screen!)

And yet no one accuses Ira Glass of sounding like a Kardashian.

oh no, he called it out. Like the whole piece was “hey youse guyse writing TAL to complain about the vocal fry of our female hosts and contributors: I, Ira Glass, your lord and king, regularly use it, so you’re obviously a bunch of sexist fucks.” It was pretty great.

UGHHHHH my eyes melted out of my face when I read that then my face melted off of my body then i died.

And they seem REALLY INTO being petted! Just like my big sweet housecat!

Okay but watch the video and tell me those pathetic cougar meows aren’t adorable.

Neither couple is as in love as I am with these Trader Joe’s mini ice cream cones, so...

He wasn’t “caught” midblink. He exists midblink.

The bear and I are one.

Can I throw in an addendum that says you can’t say you “lived”somewhere for 3 months? I don’t know what the cut off should be, but if you were on a tourist visa you probably didn’t live there. I have heard people say they “lived” in Spain for 3 weeks! 3 weeks! You were on vacation! Just say you went on vacation! Ok,…

jesus christ, I don’t think my heart could handle Ruby and Riri. I’d actually perish.

Where would you even get that money from at age 5?

Drink heavily and yell at the sky.

There may have been a time in my life when my friends and I would drink beer directly from the pitcher using a straw.