Had a dude tell me “I don’t really eat pussy. It would have to be a special occasion” but, surprise surprise, he was obsessed with getting head, had no idea what foreplay was and fucked like his main instruction was porn. (Which I’m pretty sure it was.)

That was immensely entertaining.

Why not just hang the bloody sheet outside the honeymoon suite door the morning after like they supposedly used to do in like the 13th Century? Too dramatic? Too hard to frame and put on IG?

They also employ make up artists and hair stylists, so really they just sit in a chair while someone fixes them up which is actually pretty fun. Maybe not everyday for years and years, but I feel like they’re used to it now.

Topamax? Because I loved being on that when I had health insurance, but I never thought to credit it with my weight loss because I’m also on Adderall. Hmmm.....

That’s just proof of “Stars, they’re just like us” lol

Any man who would recklessly gamble with your friendship with Beyoncé does not care deeply enough about your wellbeing or happiness.

Dudes in New Orleans, lol.

I spent yesterday watching Independence Day on repeat and this is just the perfect icing on that 4th of July sexy cake lol.

What is this app? I have never *cough* drunk texted anyone but I want the insurance lol.

This is my fear as well. Everyone that I would invite to my (hypothetical, might never happen) wedding either has at least one kid, is pregnant, is trying to get pregnant or is my mother, grandmother or is my bestie from college who for all I know could very well turn up pregnant in the next year or so because…

I need to shop there. They have this pasta salad with cheese and spinach that is amazing and when I moved to LA I was afraid that it was only a regional thing but it’s not and the LA version is even tastier than the kind I got at home. But the rest of the store can go hang. There’s a TJ’s across the street lol.

Where is Blue Ivy?

Her green nails!! I love this whole image.

Please God no. Not only would I be out of a job (on more than one front), I’d also be super bummed on a personal front. Clothes are fun and amazing and now I want to go shopping lol.

I remember flying Midwest Air in the early 2000s and getting a meal I actually enjoyed. Not to mention the cookies.

As the aunt of a toddler, let me assure you that the benefit extends to all related adults lol.

Mariah Carey is still my patronus. Like she is 10 pounds of glitter in a 5 pound bag and I love it so much.

For some reason, the term “pre-born” pisses me off more than “unborn child”. It’s like, just shut all the way the fuck up already, ok?

I sure hope they do because I am a tailor and sure need clients. The 99% have clothes and shoes too.