Vodka tampons seem like the worst possible idea. That's the part of my body that makes the worst decisions while drunk; I don't want to be an enabler.

Way to pick the wrong one, Bass. James Buchanan is the most likely suspect for first gay US President.

ILU JOSH

I appreciate the feel good hit of the summer. Oh yeah.

My Crystal Healer told me my balls should get more fluorescent lighting so now I dont wear pants in Costco.

NYEAH, SEE? WE'LL CLOBBER YA, SEE? CUZ WHITE PEOPLE? WE TINK THEMS IS BUMS!!! [Charlestons all the way to Africa.]

Bebe, you and your impractical catsuit will be hearing from my lawyers.

[throws ice cold speculum through large diagram of female anatomy]

All that and the limb donor wasn't even a match.

Sealy, feel me, touchy wheelie.

When Bioshock Infinite is closer to historical accuracy than a guy on Fox News, somebody isn't doing their fucking job.

Lady Gaga wore a sexy Edgar Winter wig.

I'm sure they will catch Monty Emu. He's not much of a flight risk.

Warning: horribly cheap monster movie effects.

Yeah, I don't buy this for a minute. She reminds me of the guy who confessed to killing JonBenet Ramsey. Mentally ill person breaks a few laws sloppily, gets caught, claims to be much more important and noteworthy than they actually are for attention, subsequent investigation turns up nothing, film at 11.

I can think of something else that's brown, common, and hard to sell...

DEAR AMERICA:

Zombie NFL players are the worst. They are strong, gigantic, fast and wear helmets so their only damn weak point is covered.

Sorely tempted to make a " In Russia, the Olympic games play you" joke