i was totally boner-prowling this dude a few years ago, more or less attending parties with the sole intention of banging him. Finally got my chance one night, drunk rager at his own house. He got so shitfaced that he tried to do a flip on a chinup bar, fell on his face and passed out, woke up and puked on himself. I…

i just got really hungry for Chinese food.

in high school, i worked at an awesome Chinese takeout restaurant. My boss would cook me dinner every night, anything i wanted. Usually i ordered something easy from the menu, but i would get adventurous from time to time and say "I'll have whatever you're having." Sometimes this was a portion of a peking duck or…

this story is called "who let uncle tj out of jail?"

My go-to response for unwelcome 'compliments' right now is a quick and calm "shut up." So far, the only reaction ive gotten is dumbfounded staring as i walk quickly away. I'm pretty sure eventually I'll get a "fuck you, mean ass bitch" back (or worse), but i am so out of fucks to give with this bullshit. Always…

maybe i should start one: memoirs of a suburban teenager with impulse control issues

Yes. Yes. And yesss. I feel like we are kindred teenage bad decision spirits.

I am also happy to have survived that time period and grown into a reasonably adjusted adult. Only a few battle scars and no permanent criminal activity on my record.

Around the same time, I shaved a man (one of Spooky's besties) who was tripping on dex. He said he was too hot and he needed to not have any chest hair. It did not go well. There's more where that came from.

Seriously. It was never even stretched out -it has just looked this dumpy since it healed around 10 years ago.

hahaha i am not from south jersey, but i am from a very similar place (economically and culturally speaking) so this all checks out.

Oh, Spooky. Last i heard he was in the marine corps. A terrifying prospect.

It's a spade because obv I was hardXcore at 17 years old. Used to hang out with a 20-something Juggalo who had the hots for me and maybe/maybe not traded some BJs for beer. He had a 'tattoo artist' friend who owed him a 'favor' (drug money) and was like "omg grl i can hook you up with a free tat ilu." Being a very…