A dickhead cop, and a runner with an overinflated sense of privilege had a surprise meeting on the side of the road.... what happened next will amaze you!

Damn you! I fell for it again!!

When he says “New York values”, I just assumed he meant “Jewey-Jewtown.”

Walk away, fat white middle-aged virgin conservative.

“My friend’s nutritionist”

I am horrified that so many people stand up.

if ur pushin 40 u should talk to women my pal

12 is so young to get married.

The contest is over, everyone else is fired and Ellie gets to hire new Jezebel/Deadspin staff of her own choosing.

I ask this with immense fondness: u mad

I feel like I can’t compete with the writer’s story, but for me it was a period/virus combo. I had clots the size of guinea pigs dropping out of my vagina as I sat shaking on the toilet shitting my brains out while throwing up into a trashcan.

Well, the initial question said that people saw him standing above the stall, which implies he stands all the way up, which is clearly insane.

Standing would seem illogical. Doesn’t that shut the poop hole up?

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

that doesn’t make you 32, that makes you 52

Wow, you got them all right, in the correct order, the first time! Deadspin writers always fail at that.

Who are the Sixers?

I know. It’s about my next door neighbor.

Goddamn psych majors.

I can’t believe George Lucas drives a motherfucking Jeep.