That was me for about a week after Roger Ebert died. Just a week of reading tributes and watching his TEDtalk and old At the Movies episodes. I was legitimately surprised by my own sadness.

Wait, what happened? I couldn't hear you over your SEXYLADYPARTS Gloria. How do you find time to write with all that woman-being you're doing?

Welp, time to tell my friends to go to GoFundMe or somewhere else if they want me to contribute. What a bullshit, cowardly dodge. Clearly $800 is more important than, you know, not supporting rape.

I once paid $95 for a good pair of running shoes. Sometimes a boy has to splurge!

FEELINGS AND TEARS. This along with watching Colbert's tribute to his mom is making me a wreck at my desk.

My last girlfriend actually DID do the "tell me a story" thing. And since my last girlfriend is all women, I feel comfortable extrapolating that to all of you. Don't like it? You're probably just misandrists on your periods or something.

Comments are closed on the article, natch. Because people might be mean to Ms. Odone. Choking your wife in public, though? NBD, bro.

But I love Man-Spider.

I don't know, I understand it. I was raised in a small town as a Missouri Synod Lutheran and gay = bad, or at least gay = weird, was a pretty repetitive theme. It takes personal experiences for a lot of people to question what they've been raised to believe. I don't quite get the "you weren't pro-gay until you met a…

Thanks for finding the real story here, Woodward.

Seriously, have these people never apologized to a person before?

I feel like it's something that's OK to like when you're 16 (not that you SHOULD like it, but that it's OK, like wearing pajama pants in public), but not once you actually are an adult human person.

I just...huh?

Yeah, I've dated feminist women that were submissive sexually, and anti-feminist women (which, not anymore, thank you) that weren't submissive at all. It's about being equals, maybe not in the physical power dynamic, but in mutual respect both in and out of the bedroom. The "don't pull your wife's hair" thing…

And the worst part (well, not the worst part; the rapes that this enables are the worst part) is that misogyny just feeds misogyny. You have the Nice Guys that will use this advice because BITCHES LOVE ASSHOLES AMIRITE and you'll have the other Nice Guys that will say this makes nice guys like me look bad and can i…

I'm a dude. I'm a white dude. I have it better than everyone.

THIS. Also this:

Movies love sex in uncomfortable places (cue "like the back of a Volkswagen?" joke), but Elaine sums up my feelings:

From Here to Eternity. It's a pretty iconic romantic scene, but all I think about is the mess.