Good thing she's not asking for donations after each incomplete pass—the entire pro-choice movement will go broke by the end of the season.

I just had a white elephant gift exchange with my department, and had I thought of it sooner, I would have brought a Borders gift card as my contribution. (Either that or a $20 card to a car dealership.) But alas, my ethical stance against giving away money to corporations took precedent over comedy.

Always, always an inconvenience. 1) if it's a place you wouldn't normally shop, then duh. But 2) either a) you buy too little and some store has your family member's money without forking over a product or b) you go over, meaning the store gets more of your money for something you may not have bought in the first…

Scream for him as much as you want, Phanatic...WILSON already signed with the Angels.

Cause of death? Hemlock.

Concur with the Balvenie—it's a bit pricey, but the single barrel 15 year is so good.

O AN HE THE WORLD'S LARGEST MAMMAL

Isn't Jerramy Stevens a more apt Ayn Rand-esque football player?

On the ESPN.com scoreboard, all of Cleveland's drives look like a long brown skid mark down the field. Fitting.

That explains all of the inbreeding.

Pictured: Tate, hoping the camera adds ten pounds.

I'm down with Mike D, and it ain't no baloney—I'm draftin' Frank Gore and eatin' Rice-a-Roni.

Nike is sponsoring surgical gloves now?

I'm really upset they didn't get Sen. Clay Davis to endorse this product.

It was his fault for looking down and holding the "Oops!" sign, anyway.

Re: Neymar

Same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. Most of my original phone apps (Safari, Clock, Maps, etc.) simply refused to work. Tried the hard restart, tried the factory restore, downloaded the latest operating system again, nothing worked. Had to trade it in for a new one. Also don't worry—you can re-download the apps…

Pictured: Gloria James and Delonte West

I hope he doesn't start dating Sarah Jessica Parker. Then he'd be putting the horse before Sucart.

The exec who came up with the plan? You guessed it, Hue Jasshole.