This is oddly adorable.

My mother and I have the same kind of weird open relationship. Like a decade ago she had a sex dream about her boss’ complete fucking loser of a teenage son. I still bring it up anytime she even remotely criticizes my boyfriend “ well you’re right, he doesn’t hold a candle to Steve’s son and his magic dick”

Well, there’s celibacy in a can, eh?

My weirdest sex dream was also my first one. Bill Clinton was there.

This was almost 20 years ago, but it still freaks me out.

The lady of the house has spoken!

Should’ve known that, but I bet she’d want one with hand-painted perrywinkles :D

Hyacinth’s preference for products; by Royal Appointment.

Try this instead.

I’ve had my share of weird sex dreams (one memorable one where my partner and I decide to switch genitals), but the worst part of all of them is that sometimes I have dreams where I forget that all these men I’ve slept with are just figments of my imagination, and someone threatens to tell my boyfriend what a cheating…

I once dreamed I gave my husband a BJ and then my teeth fell out. I woke up running my tongue over my teeth but feeling like they weren’t there, just nubby holey gums.

I don’t remember a lot of my weird sex dreams, so this is all I have to give

“If somebody’s feelings are legitimately hurt about that Christmas card, I think that might speak more to their conscience than the content of the card.”

“Without warning, Ted’s robe swung open; grinning, he reached to cover himself with his copy of Atlas Shrugged. The pocket edition.”

IEDs and pipe bombs, like the ones used in Boston, are typically made from black powder. This is because other, more effective explosive material is tightly regulated. Black powder is not tightly controlled. This is because black powder is used with guns and in ammo, and the NRA and GOA block any attempts to regulate…

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

“He moved toward them, carrying an odor of Electro Shave and Fruit Roll Ups.”

In the heart of Cocytus, Satan himself gnaws and tears the three worst sinners in history: Judas Iscariot, Brutus, and Cassius. The latter two, of course, betrayed their rightful ruler because they thought he violated the national spirit.

God bless (and simultaneously damn) the person who made this:

Is he going for PatriotWear here, or is his side job “college football coach”?