That “butter pat snap to the ceiling” is an old one. He probably learned that at his boarding school.

When the germaphobe throws everyone’s food away does he gallantly replace it with fresher versions at no cost to the owner?

And I believe Monroe is standing over a subway grate so all the air being blown out by a passing train would either dissipate her gas OR spread it up and down the entire block, to cheers from her many fans.

A tangent, but the “No speak English” gambit is an excellent way to get out of jury duty. I look like a lesser British royal with a last name that appears in The Domesday Book so no one is going to believe I can’t speak English but I’ve had pleasant conversations with people in jury rooms who suddenly revert to the…

I am a huge fan of my local library that is literally on the grounds of one of the largest housing projects in NYC. They have a children’s section on a different floor from the main circulating section and a person I needed to see was up there. I’m pretty sure it’s a day care center. The person I needed to see was a…

He has lots of names, or rather he has one name and lots of nicknames, but his name is so unusual I’d rather not reveal it. I know that friends and relatives read Jezebel so if they stumbled on his name (the picture was bad enough!) they’d be like “There can’t be two dogs that look like that in this world with the…

He does have the white tip!

He’s not that tall, his head is maybe three feet off the ground when he’s wandering around. But what he likes to do is when I’m sitting down, typing away like I am now, he’ll come up behind me and rear up on his hind legs and put his forepaws on the back of my shoulders. I’m a tall guy so that’s a good five foot…

This is possibly the first time I’ve ever seen a Kardashian not staring into her phone.

He is a man of mystery. We got him at a shelter and they had him as a Black Lab mix. Just today I was rummaging through his paperwork and noticed that my vet has him down as a boxer mix. A couple of my neighbors have told me he must have some Great Dane in him.

I could be your father, although in my case it was Nirvana’s “Teen Spirit.”

Your hound is adorable! Here’s mine. They may be related somehow?

This is the least of your worries but about the pee pads for the dog:

Self-acknowledged omniscience seems especially prevalent in engineers. Science should study this.

If that’s true (and I’m pretty sure it’s not but I have no time to google addresses in Des Moines, IA) I think he’s overestimating the turnout. That place looks like it could hold 15 people. I think a pre-owned Dodge Caravan parked in the lot next to an abattoir that ignores USDA regulations would be a more…

I hope so! And I hope Pete and Trudy do the Charleston routine they did at Roger’s party! Wait. It’s not 1962 anymore? Better break it to Dr. Paul gently.

I still can’t get over the fact that JEB! is only 62. He looks like he could be John McCain’s father.

In New York State many, if not most, of the top ten lobbying efforts as measured by money spread around are education-related in some way. Teachers’ unions, the charter school movement, there’s a group that wants education-related expenses/donations to be tax deductible, and a couple of ancillary organizations. I’m to…