No vet in his/her right mind would put a 15-year-old dog under anesthesia, unless absolutely necessary. And I can’t imagine it would be, it would be euthanasia at that point.

Did you ever see the gay porn movie that came out right around or right after America was seriously asked to vote for Sarah Palin as Vice President? It was about Levi Johnston who, lest we forget, made a much-hyped but sadly disappointing appearnce in Playgirl. In the brief clip I saw Levi was with another white guy…

Oh no I hope you have pictures of the poodle in the diaper! I’ve always wanted one, but I’m scared that the poodle would be smarter than me. Apparently they’re the smartest breed of all, did you know that? So I’ve cycled through four different dogs through my adult life with my husband but maybe the next one will be a…

I am a nice guy and good with children. I’m the godfather to three of them.

I tried the doggy diapers but my last dog was having none of it. This didn’t go on for very long, maybe six months, and I was working for myself out of my apartment so what the hell, I’ll take a shower and change the sheets yet again. I had to buy one of those plastic mattress covers, though, the ones you buy for…

[Warning: Longest post in the history of Jezebel]

It’s not just a southern thing. My New England-raised sister got married at 23 and her three bridesmaids, high school friends, were all married by the time she walked down the aisle.

I pity you. I had a roommate who had narcissistic psychosis, or whatever it’s called. The landline phone was in his name and he would never pay the phone bills, even though the rest of us chipped in our share. He explained, in all seriousness, that he personally would get our phone bills reduced to what he (with no…

Veering off topic, once again, why do people think 26-year-old men are too young to get married? I’m elderly, compared to what I think is the Gawker demographic, but I settled down, with another man no less, and gay men can be slutty, at 23 and he was 22. I wouldn’t be shocked to go to a 26-year-old’s wedding, unless…

I had a work study job in college and they liked me and trusted me enough that I was allowed to work in the records room. I went to a sectarian, traditionally all-male college (until the early 1970s) and they used to require photographs with an application, probably to prove you were rich enough to afford photographs,…

My previous dog lived an exceptionally long life for her breed (you’ve all heard about her; I feel like I comment about her incessantly.)

Your cat looks a lot like like my dog! He is a black Lab mix, a tuxedo dog with black fur but a white chest and paws. He too enjoys a good perch. Problem is he weighs over 70 pounds so when he jumps up on a window sill or a table chaos ensues. And he’s still very puppy-like so occasionally he falls off his perch but I…

That paw print plan is a great idea! I have what I think are the ashes of two of my dogs, here in my home office, so I look at the urns constantly, and that brings back warm memories and reminds me that life is fleeting and I should stop worrying and just get over myself already.

Or maybe as P. G. Wodehouse. Or Gertrude Stein. Or both.

I live in Harlem now, in a fairly large apartment, and I’ve made some buddies who have been here for decades. Some of the apartments are enormous! Since they’ve lived here for decades they have decades’ worth of stuff but some of the apartments are larger than the suburban ranch house that I grew up in. Woody Allen…

I recently watched “Hannah and Her Sisters” with some relatives. They’ve all been to New York to visit me. The movie is almost 30 years old. One of them commented that New York must have changed a lot since 1986. What they meant was that everyone lived in huge apartments and worked as actors on Broadway or in media. I…

Wow, I totally missed all of this, partly because my husband became obsessed with the “Twilight” films and I find them unwatchable, so I leave the room whenever one comes on, and they come on constantly. Then there’s the fact that I’ve come across Woody Allen a few times out and about in New York. He’s a very strange…

Fellow gray here, so I can’t lift you out of them, but I demand to know more about this 10th grade Coco Chanel presentation. I did a presentation about Charles deGaulle when I was in seventh grade. I didn’t dress like him, although I was already as tall as he was, but I did shout “Vive le Québec Libre!” My…

I’m surprised James Franco isn’t involved somehow.

Mel Brooks is still alive. Maybe he could do it, for laffs.