If this was the March Madness of picking out the Tomato you’d surely make the Round of Four. 

What happens? As always- white male fantasies ensue: she goes to prison; bunks with a lesbian; develops feelings; they send out Xmas cards together from Hallmark tinged with LGBTQ remarques; Hallmark repents and comes out with a line of LGBTQ cards. In other words, nothing happens. Nothing. Martha Stewart’s martyrdom…

He should have trade-marked his name back in the 90s. 

Idaho is actually the dairy state now, exceeding Wisconsin in cheese production, let alone the Chobani yogurt that Hamilton Nolan* so detests. All the dairy farmers from states that actually enforce environmental laws moved to Idaho because freedom.

Idaho is the Appalachia of the west. Take a few 40s and wake up in West Virginia, you wouldn’t know the difference except for the foliage. Blaine County, home to $un Valley, is the only true-blue county (maybe Latah too). Ada County (Boise) has confined most of its democrats to an internment camp full of rotting old…

The irony of accepting a pardon from Trump is that he’d immediately be transferred to a cell on Riker’s Island to await trial. He would be better off staying in federal custody and being transported to Manhattan for pre-trial proceedings. 

He’s already done 271 days. He gets 353 days off for good-time on a 90 month sentence. Total 624 days off, giving him 5.68 more years to serve. He turns 70 next month. He’ll be out at age 75 and broke because the lawyers will have all his money. His kids will take care of him with the laundered money in their trust…

Trump’s golf score might improve if he’d stop using those mashies and niblicks. Although a good baffing spoon is hard to beat.

Luddite lawyers all. Last law job I had there were lawyers still writing briefs on yellow legal pads or doing hand corrections on printouts and handing them to admins when I quit in 2015. The IT head was having storage issues on the servers and found one lawyer had like 100 GBs of personal photos stored on the server.…

Bringing new meaning to a dead-stick landing.

“Cute lil’ moose?” Things are dangerous as fuck. They’re huge and stupid and will stomp on you without thinking twice. And they’re prone to committing suicide by car and like to take out the driver with them by crashing through the windshield into the driver’s lap. 

On the cash issue, if you’re going to Eastern Europe be sure to bring brand new crispy $100 dollar bills. The banks and money exchangers are reluctant to take anything but “crispies.” As for passport copies I make a copy plus copies of all my bank info including photos of the cards. I put them into .pdf format then…

Can’t recommend Google Fi enough. Have had it since its inception. Mine has worked flawlessly everywhere from western Tasmania to Eastern Europe, even in Fiji. Oddly it doesn’t work for crap in Alaska. Also if you have family overseas the call costs from the USA are incredibly cheap. 

Black would clash with your Bunny Boots.

The best J-school was a 1960s bar in San Juan, Puerto Rico that only served rum, beer and hamburgers.

Colonial Penn’s going to have to pay up.

I live in a state where it’s perfectly legal to let your kid die even if a simple medical procedure could save them as long as your nutbag religion says you shouldn’t take children to doctors. Perfectly legal. There’s an entire cemetery of dead kids out there in the desert near where the religious idiots live. 

HOAs are really the perfect example of how Libertarianism is a failure. In theory HOAs should work- a bunch of people get together outside of the government and contract to do certain things. Then nobody pays attention to the covenants, breaks the rules, and nobody does anything about it. At least that’s how every HOA…

All tRump understands is TV ratings. Cohen got higher ratings. Yuuuge ratings. Between that and tRump’s bone spurs acting up the minute he landed in Vietnam, the talks were doomed. 

Great piece, although I skipped the Elizabeth Warren section to prevent my blood from further boiling. I really wonder how many Splinter readers bother to read ICT or other Native journals. I try to make it over to ICT at least once a week and am always amazed at the geographic breadth of coverage from Inupiat to…