I go take a shit even if I don't have to shit, just to get away from my desk for a few minutes. Smartphones are a godsend.

Am I reading that wrong or is all that stuff only available for returning players?

Peyton Manning problems

If I was going that fast I would put some serious thought into a diaper

this one's pretty bad ass

this one's pretty bad ass

For $650 i would rather make nut butters with my actual nuts.

For $650 i would rather make nut butters with my actual nuts.

I go to lunch still carrying this load, which is now drying out. After eating, I am off to the bathroom

There's this guy at work who sometimes comes in the bathroom to use the urinal while I'm pooping (aka while i'm playing games on the toilet), and he'll flush BEFORE, he pees, twice DURING his pee, and then again AFTER his pee. It's the damndest thing.

If you don't want your dreads pulled, don't have dreads.

Yes, that Wahl is great for trimming your...face

They're used in mining, they never see real roads.

Where is "being hit by a car?"

How long after a game does Eli have to wait before he gets his milk and a blankie?

Is Joe Flacco elite?

Did you read your team's "Why Your Team Sucks" Deadspin article?

I wonder if the person that made that graphic knows that the Latte contains water? 100% of people that have ever drank water will end up dead at some point. Makes ya think.

No idea what she said, but man, i'd bang her!

IT'S RACIST BECAUSE WE SAID SO! NOW CLICK! - Deadspin

I for the life of my can not understand why anybody gives a royal flying fuck what somebody else likes to drink. How empty is your life where you actually feel the need to generate anger over somebody's taste in fucking beer?

Do people like this not realize how fucking retarded they look?