You’re lucky to be alive. Those Chicago cops are vicious when they’re drunk.

LAWYER: You can never go back to Brazil.
Lochte: Man, but I really enjoyed Europe!

Well, that flopped.

Safe to say he might be experiencing some Malayse after this one

You can always tell a Milford man.

While Stephen A may not know where the bitches are, he’s pretty sure they’re hiding because they unnecessarily provoked a man...And while he doesn’t (never) condone that kind of thing (not even a little bit) he does understand these women (mother’s and saints) bare some responsibility for their current (tragic)…

Anyone else think there may be a direct correlation between the Lions lack of success and ZMF’s caps lock button being stuck for the last 15 years?

Jim Caldwell, like Buster Bluth, excelled at the Milford Academy, where he was neither seen nor heard.

Why put anyone in a position to answer a question like that.

Goths prefer Roman wine?

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears...in...rain. Time to die.”

Thank goodness he's ok - it would have been really ugly if he dyed.

Pay him no mind, he’s just salty because we own the moon, and he lives in a country that has flying poisonous crocodiles and no moon ownership.

This reminds me of a Law & Order episode. They find the body of a young boy who has been beaten to death, and he has a battery in his mouth. At first they think it’s a weird sex killing, but eventually realize it’s a friend of his, a ten-year-old girl with psychopathic tendencies and once she came out of her…

All this criticism of Sam Bradford as being selfish and a bad mentor has been so unfair. I mean as you can see here, he’s been teaching Wentz everything he knows.

“That toughness comes in handy in a place like North Dakota. You see, up there, jamming your numb fingers against someone’s ice-cold helmet happens every practice. Getting decked on the cement-like dirt is just how a play ends.”

“Nothing a new D battery can’t fix.” -Phillies fans

I lived in England for a short time around 15 years ago, and they would air a random MLB game at 3AM, which I would watch because sleep is for the weak. One of the play by play guys was raised in the US and played in the minor leagues, and the other hosts were blown away by his “encyclopedic” knowledge of the game.…

The guy on the Segway accomplished something his competitors couldn’t: Testing negative for HGH.

“Bolt is not quite a shoo-in for 2016 glory, though. “