After I get down on my knees and pray, I usually just end it with an “Amen.” His god must be more OG than mine.

This sums up my feelings nicely.

My heart sank for him right at that moment.

That one penguin shouting “Worldstar!” cracked me the f up.

That humiliating hop over the branch at the end...smh

I can’t believe the other penguins just stand around doing virtually nothing. I guess a few of them got their phones out and started filming, but that doesn’t really do anything about the immediate problem. It’s really sad, a sign that our society is going down the drain.

BEAT-UP PENGUIN: Can you believe his shit?

pretty much any comment that mentions titties gets a star in my book

But how? It had all the appeal of a podcast, with even more limitations on how and when you could consume it!

Yup. These are my viewer.

Why differentiate when a hot dog IS a sandwich?

Was the shit spread out on the bread, or was it an unbroken log? If it’s an unbroken log, then why even go with the 2 pieces of bread instead of a bun? Madness. You wouldn’t eat a hot dog that way.

Jeff Green has had maybe the most hilariously fascinating career in NBA history. He is perpetually on the trading block as both the cause of all his current team’s struggles and the solution to all his next team’s struggles.

Look man, while I agree that at least one of the dozen or so Plumlees playing in the NBA should be on the list, I’m just not sure it’s a good idea. There are THOUSANDS of Plumlees out there. They aren’t separate entities. It’s a hive mind. And you’ve just called them all out. I wouldn’t be surprised if, after sundown…

This one time, there was a huge possum sitting on my backyard fence, and I side-armed a tennis ball right at it and knocked it off. Pretty sure I had that same goofy grin on my face. That was my World Series.

My grandfather died without ever having seen the cubs win the world series. So, my Dad, ever the crazy asshole he is, brought a radio out on the porch so gramps could listen in from heaven. We all thought he was going out there to jack off, but nope he was going out there to be with his Dad, which I thought was sweet.…

The confusion came from this — the reporter asked if Smith was progressing on his own or if he’d need a, “concussion protocol aide?”. Only hearing “Cool” and “Aid” Coach Reid instinctively responded “OH YEAH!” 
We apologize for the confusion and will be replacing the shattered wall in the press room immediately.

Alex can do all the things that need to be done in this offense and do them at a Pro Bowl level.

I want you to go to bed tonight thinking about this guy, and how pretty he is, and how good he is, because all these backs are the same. They’re all pretty, and they’re all special...
it was mostly tongue in cheek... The only point was that Zeke hasn’t been popped yet

Without “negative Twitter” I never would have seen this Vine (RIP) and known, without a doubt, that I’m headed right to hell via first class.