He transforms into a castle and sits perfectly still in a field for half the movie.

Shit, I don’t feel sorry for the “regular” Republicans. They spent decades stirring up the base, encouraging just the kind of bullshit Trump’s giving them. They don’t get to wash their hands of it now and pretend this is something that just spontaneously happened. They get to live with what they made now, and if that…

The umps were also bought and paid for the other 24 times.

Holy shit. I’m just going to go on believing he was hammered at all the roasts, despite any and all evidence to the contrary.

Thing is, the Red Cross-recommended chest thrust is the same idea as the Heimlich-punch the shit out of the diaphragm and use the air in the lungs to push the obstruction out. So Heimlich’s the best you’re going to get before you hit the floor.

Hell yeah! You get sexually assaulted by a Baylor player, you better believe you’re getting pregnant.

Brides wouldn’t have been in this mess if he hadn’t killed Vince Foster.

Francesca is just the greatest. My best take would have been, I’ve never been able to sit through a soccer match, but other people are allowed to like it. But that would have been just lukewarm at best. Francesca’s shit is straight up volcanic!

This was the part of The Shining that freaked me out as a kid. Double no to this.

My wife and I have reached a detente. No one says shit about anyone’s driving unless a life is immediately at stake. Nothing about driving too fast or too slow, or following too close, or making an illegal right on red, or any of that. Unless you’re about to hit a baby carriage, it’s radio silence. It’s saved our…

The hospital is actually eating the cost. Which is nice. My money was on a booster who wouldn’t lift a finger for a person with cancer.

They’re only halfway through their mission? Is the Enterprise representative of other ships? Is every ship stopping an apocalyptic threat every year? Is every ship destroyed every few years? Or does the Enterprise, with an inexperienced crew, just get the plum assignments?

I’ll give a star to any jerk reference.

If you insist on being rational, you’ll 3 have to change that handle.

I wouldn’t have thought a guy with “money” in his handle would be so opposed to people trying to make money.

It only turns red if you’re peeing blood. Maybe your parents should have punched you in the kidneys less often or less hard.

Okay, that’s rough even for Kinja.

Close, but it’s pronounced “me-MAY."

Hey, I was in the wedding party and still strolled in with a drink in my hand, daring anyone to say shit about it. I probably didn’t look cool, but I FELT like I looked cool, and that’s what matters.

And by bore, I mean vote. Shit like this is why I’m in the grays.