I’ll give a star to any jerk reference.

I wouldn’t have thought a guy with “money” in his handle would be so opposed to people trying to make money.

It only turns red if you’re peeing blood. Maybe your parents should have punched you in the kidneys less often or less hard.

Okay, that’s rough even for Kinja.

Close, but it’s pronounced “me-MAY."

Hey, I was in the wedding party and still strolled in with a drink in my hand, daring anyone to say shit about it. I probably didn’t look cool, but I FELT like I looked cool, and that’s what matters.

And by bore, I mean vote. Shit like this is why I’m in the grays.

I was willing to move to Wisconsin and bore for this guy until he put the suit on.

Shit, they fucked up Crimson Joe? He was my favorite pirate.

Highly trained paramedics often don’t use the defibrillator, because unless you’re in just the right heart rhythm, it won’t do anything.

You don’t need a detectable pulse to get zapped. You do need v-fib, though, or else it won’t do much.

On the black candidates tied to the church, I think that happens because the church is sometimes still the only locus of influence for black people. There are black people out here who see religion differently, or aren’t religious at all, and maybe (MAYBE) something like this could give them an opportunity they…

I’m an irritable dad with a law degree, but I’m BLACK. Can I still join the club?

I jerk it sitting backwards on the toilet. I’m in a wide stance for easy access, I have the tank as a flat surface for my phone to play the filthy porn, and I can shoot straight into the bowl. Everyone should try it once.