Holy fucking shit that dude still has Christmas lights up lol.

You don’t touch water or rim when sitting to wipe. This is the criticism that standers most often employ, and yet it’s a totally unfounded critique. No decent human being has touched water while wiping. Broken husks of humans, maybe.

Sitters: how do you dispose of the toilet paper when you are sitting? Do you roll it up is a ball and dunk it through your thighgap? or do you roll it like a joint and drop it like a pencil behind your back? Either option seems risky. You guys are crazy.

You start wiping in a sitting position and slowly stand more erect as you remove additional shit in subsequent wipes, so that at the end you’re standing up straight, clean as a whistle and ready to beat the world.

You have to take the baton game very seriously. Wear fine linens, neatly pressed, and sit in the crowd quietly. When you feel an emotion, whisper it into a leather wallet and then keep the wallet safe inside another larger wallet. At the end of the match, after the baton competitors shake hands and exchange LinkedIn…

If a girl says she wants to be “just friends,” but you were never her friend to begin with, does that mean that you’re ugly and you’ll never find love no matter how many books on pick up artistry you take out of the local library and also, who needs friends anyway?

That’s what she said.

Sorry for the confusion but I actually work at Peet’s now.

Jesus, man, are you a calculator or a human being? Of course it’s grotesque. This money is the equivalent of a salt-grain-sized fragment of a single penny to the organization. It’s almost literally nothing; it’s only something as an abstraction, a line in an accounting worksheet. “Whoops,” is a perfectly fine…

Prosecutor: “Now Mr. Pierre-Paul, is the man who tweeted your medical records in the courtroom today?”

I’m chancing it, I know. Every man and his dog will be posting an old Rolls, an old Porsche or a tired S-Class, something like that.

That’s honestly the story of WWII. A large number of individual events could have completely changed the war.

43 year-old Planet Hollywood patron John Hornacek: And I guess in the end I just didn’t feel like basketball was my calling. Different strokes for different folks, you know? Hit me. Fuck!

Not a fan of Germans reenacting World War Two.

Thats a male body-builder with Willem Dafoe’s face pasted on

• “ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”

This is to clever by half, if you lived in a western country you were protected by these weapons. That said we did have some crazy plans but at least we were on the side of democracy and freedom.

Had him take a pic.

OK, so a few things here:

My girlfriend is a Krav Maga black belt and i can't tell you how often i told my buddies "Dude, she totally boned me!"