My parents gave me a map, pointed to Japan and China, and said “these are different countries”. I've never forgotten that lesson.

Feel free to add your own.

“If eating at the ballpark, make sure to remind this female person that the hot dogs go in their mouth, as they are an easily confused sex and may embarrass themselves, or worse, you.”

Judging from these stories, you shit and/or pissed your pants?

Roxanne! You don’t have to put on that red hat.

Define a lot.

They really fucked it up this time, didn’t they my dear?

not just sports media; the New York Times itself spent all of 2016 hyping butter emails

Never would have thought the French would give up so easily.

This Jonah guy sounds like a whale of an asshole.

At least one employee complained to legislators about his obsession

Nah, he didn’t actually resign, he’s just working remotely from Malaysia.

We’ll pick you up! And drop you on your head upon the ice

I, for one, posit that the most Enterprising team won. 

“This” is a weird spelling of Ivanka.

Can’t tell you how many text messages I exchanged with friends seriously worrying about the health of a person I have never met and will likely never meet.

I just laughed out loud, which is great because I am a college professor on summer break and nobody knows I exist until September.

Thank you for this, and I join the chorus of people being glad that you continue to be upright.

Jesus, man. This is harrowing. Like everyone else in the comments, I’m glad things didn’t go differently.

I also believed, for some reason, that a celebrity chef (no idea who) was killed at the same bar the night I bashed my skull in. And that I was a person of interest in that chef’s death. Please know that no famous chef died that night