Did you eat it on the terlet, Elvis-style.

Will everybody please stop talking about food!!

Snappy Grillers was the best Quarterback the Arkansas Frotterists ever had….

Chicago pizza is only good with the toothpaste-stuffed crust! [Thanks for the tip, @avclub-96f15daceb6669363fbf7f762ed57703:disqus, toothpaste as a condiment and cooking ingredient is the way forward!]

Currywurst, German bratwurst with lots of curry ketchup on a hard roll, is just incredible. I last had one in Cologne on a simply freezing December night about three years ago and I'd kill an otter on camera for another one right now.

Black Label bacon, named after the man who owns the factory, Whore Mel.

That sounds amazing and I really want one now. This minute.

At least it looks better than that Cincinnati goitre stuff from last week.

Christ above, it looks like two heads grafted together diagonally.

I'll return that underwear when they pry it out of my dead, rigid fingers.

Oh, they grow up so fast. Wasn't it only yesterday when she was knee-high to her mother's pile of used needles.

I remember when Reagan was shot and that absolute lunatic Alexander Haig made that chilling but utterly deluded 'I am in control here' speech, when he clearly wasn't even in charge of himself. Very unsettling, you expected him to end the speech with 'And you will bow down in front of me, puny mortals!'. Utter nutjob.

Stupid joke! Stupid, stupid joke! And why am I laughing like a friggin' idiot?

Probably because they're round and open and not crinkly, little, piggy puckers.

Make it 'Leaving February 7 - Justin Bieber’s Breath' and I'll be interested.

It's the one where she really gets to show her chops.

There is a third one but it's straight to video - Babe: The Bacon Years.

And your father-in-law?

Ragnar Lodbrok? I used to live next to him. Utter knob. Borrowed my leaf blower and managed to fuse the bloody thing and bend the intake pipe so I can't fit the filter attachments and after him and Ethel, his wife, came round for canapés he wouldn't leave me alone till I gave him my recipe for choux pastry. Complete…

Well, that escalated quick.