But I would TRY, by God. The fate of the human race depends on me and my penis.

That list is better than Marchman's cereal list. Sign her up for a full time spot.

Uh, you can't improve on Billy Joel and you really can't do it by adding Jay-Z.

He knew country, Taylor Swift, all that stuff.

Correction: One of these rings will be at your local pawn shop, the other two are going to Putin to complete the set.

Urban Meyer Has a Favorite Deadspin Commenter

I'm embarrassed for this guy. I mean, nothing is worse than a basketball jersey on a grown man.

If being bald and unable to put on muscle meant you had cancer, the Hasselbeck brothers would've died 15 years ago.

Talking about it a lot does make you better at talking about it.

Baltimore Ravens: "The 15 year-old boy deeply regrets the role he played during the incidents."

At that point, she told him to come back later but he did not go back.

I can't believe she Yadda Yadda'd the bisque!

"Gluten-free" is not a healthier eating habit. "Refined starch-free" and "beer-free" and "tons and tons of excess calories-free" are healthy eating habits. Whether they do or do not include gluten is completely irrelevant to their healthfulness.

Arguably the best drive Michigan has had all year.

Lets just tell masturbation stories, I didn't get caught, but when I was about 15 and in boy scouts, we had a 25 mile bike trip. Pretty much just took a couple hours on a saturday riding around some highways that no one used. I was a little slower than everyone else, so I found myself well behind the pack. Bike…

That Superman costume sucks a dick. Those cheapskates even make you buy your own wheelchair.

The look on his face was unbelievable, and I am not sure who was more surprised, him seeing us, or us seeing him in his preferred method of self-pleasure (I've never been a kneel-down guy, so it was very odd to me).

Strickland: I can't understand you!!

I've seen substitutes go much further. Kirk Cousins actually fucked his team.