I'm no expert, but this seems like excellent shade.

They named her Collman.

If you don’t already have an awesome story behind that, you need to fabricate one.

Wow, they're 69 and 22 years old!!! They could be grandparent and -child without any teen pregnancy involved. Lovely

Wow! You read a lot into the two sentences I wrote. None of it’s at all what I’m thinking, but I just wanted to acknowledge such an impressive feat. 

$30 for a house cleaner?

My 33rd birthday is next week, and every time I’m feeling shitty about it, I remind myself that I still look way better than this dracula-faced nazi chucklefuck.

Tonally, it’s all over the place: When Mark brought his jeep full of Barbies to his attackers’ court sentencing, people in my audience laughed, though the moment seemed intended as pathos.

Brian Kilmeade will suddenly disappear and then a single tweet will appear on his feed..

She should have retired when Obama was President and she was selfish not to do so. God damnit.

You should absolutely hold it against her. She shouldn’t get a pass just because she is otherwise delightful and bad ass.

Nowhere near as good as Threat Level Midnight!

Shit, turns out it was lucky she broke her ribs!

Imagine it’s 2009: you’re 76, you’ve survived cancer 10 years ago, you’ve just been diagnosed again, and finally there’s another Democrat in office and a Democratic Senate, but you can safely retire and know that someone good will replace you. Do you retire, though? No, you’re way too badass and individually important…

Remember when she turned down retiring during Obama’s presidency when people asked her too?

Ashley, “right-wing Caillou” is so, so good.

“Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you want an Oscar?”

Ugh re Andy Cohen. He would have hard time adopting a child but due to “benefit of science” and benefit of being a rich man, he can design a baby.

Okay this happened during the G20 but it’s important to me, as an Australian, that youse all know about it.

This came in a little late for today’s bag: